“Delivering a baby is called labor for a reason.” That was one of the parting thoughts (pun intended) offered by the nurse who led my pre-birth class more than 20 years ago. Her words of wisdom, even if not ones of comfort, were valuable then but have become even more pertinent in recent years. The ongoing “labor pains” of “delivering” our children through the maturing process have been real … but just as, if not more, rewarding!
If the love that spontaneously erupts when our children are first put in our arms is indescribable, so is the more refined affection that grows as our children discover their individual selves and life paths.
Spoiler alert #1: We do NOT have much figured out, except that ultimately God loves them more than we could ever hope to. The peace that we find expanding (like the relief in between birthing contractions) is not a fruit of our efforts—other than the daily disciple of surrendering them back to God and his providential care.
This column has been some months in the making. Earlier in the year there have been various reports on the fertility crisis in the U.S. Commenting on the record low birthrate published from the CDC’s 2024 national birth data, one article highlighted the disparity between people’s desire for children and their increasing anxieties about “the pressing issues of affordability, sustainability, and personal agency facing many would-be parents.” (https://publichealth.jhu.edu/2026/is-the-us-birth-rate-declining).
Another interview addressed the decline of Americans having babies and the demographic and economic concerns that surround the numbers – including housing and childcare costs and more women trading child-raising for business-building. (https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/the-potential-impacts-of-the-u-s-birth-rate-decline)
Solutions are focused on government policies that distribute resources more equitably, reduce costs of living and increase access to reproductive care.
Spoiler alert #2: While smartphones aren’t directly responsible for declining fertility—23% percent drop since Apple released the first iPhone in 2007 according to one study—there is no question that having internet access at our fingertips at all hours has greatly, and gravely, influenced human interaction and expectations.
I’m not sure anyone would have ever said that raising kids is easy or doesn’t have its challenges, but the expectations have increasingly veered from what is at the core of family life – commitment, resilience, relationship and love that truly is unconditional.
The desire to give and receive in this way remains at the forefront, even of the abortion narrative. How many times have we heard someone’s choice justified by the reasoning that it wouldn’t be “fair” or “just” to bring a child into x or y situation? That every child deserves to be wanted by parents who are ready and prepared?
I don’t know anyone who has honestly felt ready or prepared, and if they did, the illusion quickly faded … In fact, I think God’s “parenting plan” wisely included our failures because those are precisely the moments we allow ourselves to be vulnerable with him.
The church has always taught that parents are the primary educators of their children, but what does this “education” consist of?
As the Catechism of the Catholic Church states in no. 1653, “the fundamental task of marriage and family is to be at the service of life.” At the crux of the marriage and parenting crisis isn’t really a question about children, but about how we define the life we want for ourselves and to provide for our children. I would expand that to include not only life in this world, but the next.
Who, and what, we give our lives over to gives us the parameters and our schedules define its terms. One of the downfalls of technology and digital connectedness is that we lose a sense of personal discernment and fall prey to external ideals.
Similar to “analysis paralysis” regarding a future career or spouse and how to securely fund retirement, many young people are overwhelmed and opt out of the stress instead.
This column wasn’t intended to address family planning and openness to life, but I have often shared my belief that it goes beyond having babies. This is where the real labor of love lies—just as in a marriage, we are invited to renew our vows daily, the vocation to parenthood needs daily renewal as well.
Would more young people want to become parents if the rest of us were more honest about the sacrifices as well as the rewards? With what we see as the norm on social media, the ups and downs are not seen as normal. It can make a person feel like if their child had a tantrum or flunked a college course it was because the parent didn’t “know enough” or follow sage advice.
Neither which is true because, like nature where both rain and sun are needed for growth, human flourishing is the result of difficulties and discovery.
Ask any woman about her labor and delivery experiences. There are elements we would never wish on our worst enemy, but every new mother has at least fleeting moments of the miraculous gift of parenthood. Why are we more guarded when it comes to sharing the challenges of “laboring” through life stages with older children? How are we not more open about the lessons learned guiding young adults? When did we become so fearful of these uncomfortable conversations, all while we laugh and share our own stories of lessons learned the hard way?
I am curious where the idea that a young person turning 18 was some “finish line” of parenting, but the educational system and developmental psychology all acknowledge that our brains aren’t even fully mature until the mid-20s—much less the character traits, skills and virtue needed to navigate an increasingly complicated world.
No more spoiler alerts, just the one practice we, as parents of four, ages 11 to 22, committed to as a New Year’s resolution: the daily praying of the Surrender Novena by Don Dolindo Ruotolo.
I was introduced to this novena by my own parents (who, with 12 children, have weathered many a storm and celebrated many abundant harvests). The theme of “Jesus, you take care of it,” is far from a passive off-handed approach to life.
“O Jesus, I surrender myself to you, take care of everything!” is repeated 10 times after each of the nine days particular reflection.
Our habit is to say it a few times as written, entrusting ourselves individually, then we repeat the line inserting each child’s name. We have added, “we surrender our marriage” daily and more recently “we surrender our parents” or “we surrender our jobs” depending on what that day presents us with.
At the heart of the Surrender Novena (see surrendernovena.com) is God’s patient, consistent and unconditional love that Jesus invites us to imitate when he said, “Be perfect as my Heavenly Father is perfect.” Although he never shames, he does convict us of our sin and weakness but his challenging calls to growth and new life are born of motivation and possibility.
Admittedly, in recent years, I have not sent Christmas letters or posted much on social media. I don’t want to paint an incomplete picture that focuses only on the Instagrammable moments, nor do I want to divulge personal struggles that are my children’s to work through; but, if you were to have a personal conversation with me, I can bet that we would both walk away feeling a little less pressure to be “the perfect parent” and a little more encouraged that we’re all doing better than we give ourselves credit for, as long as we give the real credit where its due—to the one who stills calls each and every one of us his beloved child.
Jenny Snarski
